Death in the Afternoon
March 7th, 2009
“A querencia is a place the bull naturally wants to go to in the ring… It is a place which develops in the course of the fight where the bull makes his home. It does not show at once, but develops in his brain as the fight goes on.” Death in the Afternoon, Ernest Hemingway
We all have a beast within, a bull to kill…whether it be a habit, a troublesome attachment, a pattern of thought, a sorrow, an addiction, a mood, a fixation, a fear, or something that brings us to rage.
Know that bull. Study where it’s taken its place of refuge. That place in your life where it burrows in. It could be in a bottle of scotch. It could be a room in the house, a chair, your garage, or even in front of your TV or computer screen.
“…in his querencia he is inestimably more dangerous and almost impossible to kill.“
It could be a state of mind, or that way in which you address your lover, kids, husband, or wife. It could be a place in your imagination where you return again and again to relive a conversation, an encounter, or a past or future dread. It could be a thought, or a cherished belief.
“The bull may take up his querencia in a place where a horse has been killed in a previous fight, where he smells the blood; a place where he has tossed a bullfighter, or any part of the ring for no apparent reason at all; simply because he feels at home there.”
In that place, your bull will be confident, brave, and secure. When you, or anyone else, attempts to challenge it there, you may feel its stubborn refusal in your brooding, or snapping, or numbing, or anger, depression, anxiety, or irritation. The bull has lifted its horns for the goring. Pity the poor loved one who tries to step toward it there.
Like a great matador, we need bring the beast out from it’s place of safety. After a long day’s work, refuse to let it establish its place in your ring. Risk making it uncomfortable.
“The bull must be brought out; but he is gone completely on the defensive and will not respond to the cape and will cut at them with his horns, refusing altogether to charge.”
Step away from that computer. Change your tone of voice. Refuse to spend the night brooding in that chair. Reach for that novel you’ve wanted to read, instead of the TV remote. Pull out that bike, camera or drawing pad, instead of cracking open that beer, marijuana, or bottle of Xanax. Kiss your partner, instead of barking out that complaint. (Or stamp your feet and yell, instead of that half-hearted kiss, if that’s where the bull chooses to live.) Go to that movie by yourself, instead of waiting by the phone. Cook that delicious meal, instead of another night of pizza or take-out chinese.
That pint of ice cream you seem ever destined to eat? Look it square in the eyes, then show it your cape. Weekends get you down? Drink too much? Take a canoe trip, instead of burrowing in and letting that bull raise its surly horns through your boredom, or list of domestic chores.
“…a bull who knows how to use his horns and who cannot be made to leave his querencia is as dangerous for the man to come within range of as a rattlesnake….”
Be brave. Be clever. Change it up. Break routine. Coax it out. If just for an afternoon, flash your cape, and by surprise, slay the fear that owns you. Olé!
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Death In Afternoon, Ernest Hermingway. p150-151